Holy Crap

Wow, I came on here just to see how long it’s been since I last posted. I didn’t expect it to be April! That was six months ago!!

Some things of interest: Water Boy is now 9 months old, has five teeth, is crawling like a pro, and can pull himself up to a standing position. Also note, standing is super exciting when he first does it, because that means, oh my gosh, he’ll be walking soon! After the first or five tumbles to the floor, it becomes a nerve-wracking experience for mom and dad, waiting for him to fall over and start wailing, hoping you can catch him in time. Helicopter parents much? lol! He’ll never learn to walk, because we keep hauling him away from things and laying him on the floor!

I’m in school full-time, in May I will have my Associate of Arts degree. I plan on transferring back to my home-school of UNT in Fall ’08 to finish out my bachelor’s in Biology with a teaching certificate for 8-12th grade. Then will maybe work towards master’s.

I’m also discovering new levels of nerd-dom in myself, such as a love for Dungeons & Dragons, and possibly an interest in Halo. v.v We play D&D; every Sunday now with another couple and my brother. Stillmog, when people call to ask what we’re up to, says we’re busy nerding. lol

I’m trying to start a side business for extra money. If you haven’t heard of etsy.com, you should go there now. It’s a community for people who handmake or are related to the practice of handmaking goods, where they can sell their wares at an extremely reasonable fee and percentage. I have a storefront now, just nothing much to put in it yet. I have tons of yarn laying around, and I’ve found a crafty creative friend (CraftyGirl) who is trading driving lessons and crafting lessons on stuff she doesn’t know how to do, to teach me how to sew and crochet and other stuff. The results of these lessons will possibly go up at my store in the near future. I don’t want to post the website yet with no stock, but I really want to make this work!

I also want to start blogging again, not that I made much of a habit of it, but I have to say I got distracted right when I first started, what with having a baby and all. Hopefully, I’ll stick with it this time!

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moved

I’ve backdated this, because I don’t feel comfortable having this on the main page. (04/27/09)

Sometimes. When I say “guy” though, I mean like the stereotypical guy you see in the movies, the one who won’t ask for directions and is afraid of commitment, etc.

Why am I “such a guy”, you ask?

I hate talking about emotions. I suck at it. I often pretend I don’t even have them, or when I can’t deny that I’m feeling one, I pretend I don’t know where it comes from, or that it’s really happening to someone else. This often leads to great outbursts of said emotions, sometimes at improper times, messily and all over the place. This also leads to my inability to deal in a healthy way with my emotions. Instead of feeling them and letting them take their course, they overflow at inopportune moments, for minor reasons, and leave me drained and contemplating the necessity of my existence, whether I am fit to be a mother, and if I should stay with my husband.

(I also don’t like other people’s emotions. They generally make me uncomfortable, slightly nauseous, and prone to another “guy” trait, that of the “Suck it up and be a man” attitude. I often feel helpless before my friends, or only able to give the fall-back response of an awkward pat on the shoulder. I mean, I can listen, and give advice if necessary or asked for, but I don’t like relating. I find my eyes rolling much too easily. I find myself letting off tremendous sighs of boredom and impatience. I hate reading mommy blogs that talk about their battles with PPD for these reasons; it simultaneously bores me to tears and makes me squirm in my seat.)

What all this means, really, is that I am not a mentally healthy person. It has taken me a very long time and many crying sessions to recognize and admit to this, even if I’m only admitting it to the Internets. And to the counselor I’m going to see on Wednesday for the first time.

In dealing with all this, my blog has fallen on hard times. I’m very sad about that. I love writing. I love writing in my blog. I also love reading in order to write in my blog, and that has fallen down too. I’m sorry for myself, really, because I’m still pretty sure only about two people sometimes, occasionally, read this blog. But for those two people, damn it, I’m hoping I will get this fixed somehow, and be back to writing every day.

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Finally, An Update

Well, this little stinker is the reason I’ve fallen down on my blog, of which I’d only managed 8 posts on before he was born. And of course this post was interrupted as I typed it.

Then there was a problem with our internet for two weeks. So…I’m finally getting back to it.

I’ve been reading a lot lately, but updating all that right now would take way more time then I have at the moment. Let’s just say, some were good, some were bad, and a few were really good.

Having this little person in our house is an entirely different experience than what I thought it would be. I love him so much, all the time, even when he cries, or spits up, or does terrible things to his diaper. When he sleeps, I want him to wake up so I can hold him. When he’s awake, I want him to go to sleep so I can.

Every day, I think of all the things I want to teach him. I want him to grow quickly so I can share the world with him. But I want him to grow slowly, so I can keep him safe from it for longer, safe with me.

Most of me feels the same way I did before he was born or conceived. The world hasn’t changed dramatically, although my small part of it has. Being a parent doesn’t scare me, it makes me excited. He’s perfect and I love him, and I love my husband more than ever for helping to bring this amazing person into the world.

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