I’ve backdated this, because I don’t feel comfortable having this on the main page. (04/27/09)
Sometimes. When I say “guy” though, I mean like the stereotypical guy you see in the movies, the one who won’t ask for directions and is afraid of commitment, etc.
Why am I “such a guy”, you ask?
I hate talking about emotions. I suck at it. I often pretend I don’t even have them, or when I can’t deny that I’m feeling one, I pretend I don’t know where it comes from, or that it’s really happening to someone else. This often leads to great outbursts of said emotions, sometimes at improper times, messily and all over the place. This also leads to my inability to deal in a healthy way with my emotions. Instead of feeling them and letting them take their course, they overflow at inopportune moments, for minor reasons, and leave me drained and contemplating the necessity of my existence, whether I am fit to be a mother, and if I should stay with my husband.
(I also don’t like other people’s emotions. They generally make me uncomfortable, slightly nauseous, and prone to another “guy” trait, that of the “Suck it up and be a man” attitude. I often feel helpless before my friends, or only able to give the fall-back response of an awkward pat on the shoulder. I mean, I can listen, and give advice if necessary or asked for, but I don’t like relating. I find my eyes rolling much too easily. I find myself letting off tremendous sighs of boredom and impatience. I hate reading mommy blogs that talk about their battles with PPD for these reasons; it simultaneously bores me to tears and makes me squirm in my seat.)
What all this means, really, is that I am not a mentally healthy person. It has taken me a very long time and many crying sessions to recognize and admit to this, even if I’m only admitting it to the Internets. And to the counselor I’m going to see on Wednesday for the first time.
In dealing with all this, my blog has fallen on hard times. I’m very sad about that. I love writing. I love writing in my blog. I also love reading in order to write in my blog, and that has fallen down too. I’m sorry for myself, really, because I’m still pretty sure only about two people sometimes, occasionally, read this blog. But for those two people, damn it, I’m hoping I will get this fixed somehow, and be back to writing every day.